mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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