I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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