my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You are the jesus of drinking
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
