so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
