Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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