I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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