You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
