here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
