I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
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