Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
