you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
