i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
