I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
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She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
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Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
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