it hurts more in the daytime
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
