Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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