they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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