tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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