I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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