If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
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