Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
