You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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