Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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