theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
