Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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