he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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