Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
