i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
