please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
