oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
So vagazzling was a success
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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