her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
