We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Just high enough for therapy.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
