She is in my trunk
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
