I want to make a zoo with you.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
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