My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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