i think i have two assholes
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
