You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
