Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Enjoy the penises
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
