Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
