I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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