I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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