I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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