My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
