She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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