They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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