turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
