listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
