I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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