Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
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