So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
