Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
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