Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
