i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
