you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
The convent might be a nice break from real life
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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