You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
