After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
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