SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
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