I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
