Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
