I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
